The Man Rules...... Wives, Please Pay Attention

Well, here it is. The Rules that we have all been waiting for. The Rules that if followed will help avoid fighting, arguing, yelling, and those lonely night sleeping on the couch with your tub of Ben and Jerry's.
The Man Rules were created for Wives to understand their husbands and to help with the communication process. We are here to BETTER marriages and this will definitely help.
All Rules are Listed as #1 because they have the same importance in our lives.
HUSBANDS - Please comment with other rules that need to be added so that we can get a firm list of rules. These should be hanging from the refrigerator at all times!
THE MAN RULES!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

Please submit comments and add rules if needed. What rules have helped you in your life or marriage! We would love to get your feedback and have these Rules passed on to the husbands and wives of America!

How to have sex with your wife.

How can a man keep sex alive
in a long-term relationship?

One of the first steps in nurturing a woman’s libido is recognising that there’s more than one way to get in the mood. If she’s tired, or preoccupied, or stressed, then licking her ears or groping her is about as likely to get her in the mood as an episode of Top Gear.

“The most toxic misunderstanding that men have about female libido is that sex drive is about feeling physically aroused and hot for sex,” says Sandra Pertot, author of When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match.

RELATED LINKS
• 20 top sex tips for men

“Sex drive is anything that helps you to decide that sex is a good idea, and what helps many women in long-term relationships make that decision is the ‘Oh, isn’t he sweet’ feeling.” It might not be the Dyson, of course – but it’s as good a place as any to start, given the number of married women who listed household chores when we asked them what would put them in the mood for sex more often.

“My husband always complains that it’s unsexy when I nag him, but how does he think it makes me feel when I have to nag him? Like my mother!” says Fiona, 43, who’s been married for a decade. She gets the “isn’t he sweet” feeling when her husband remembers, of his own accord, that Tuesday is the night the recycling bins go out, or Thursday is after-school swimming class for the kids. He thinks that he’s earning points just by doing everything she asks, but she’d rather not have to ask every time. A woman can be easily preoccupied by her mental to-do list, but if she’s convinced that he can be responsible for that list, too, she might let it go . . . long enough to remember how long it’s been since they’ve had sex.

“The problem is that this isn’t a straight ‘If I do this I’ll get sex immediately’ formula,” says Pertot. “It’s more about creating an atmosphere in the relationship that builds shared intimacy and mutual caring – foreplay for women in a long-term relationship is often about the 24/7 sharing of housework or child responsibilities.”

That said, occasionally the rewards will be immediate. “It’s easier to relax when the niggling little chores are not hanging over my head, and if he sends me off to take a bath with a promise that he’ll clean up the supper dishes, his odds of being invited to wash my back are doubled,” says Shana, 39, who’s been married for seven years.

But if you long ago paid out for a house-cleaner or live-in nanny, then you’ll have to figure out how else to elicit that feeling from your partner. It might be as simple as kissing her full on the lips and smiling as if you’ re happy to see her when she walks in the door. Or maybe it’s secretly setting the TV to record the Julia Roberts marathon.

Amanda, 38, says that watching her husband take a risk to make her happy gets her every time. “He’s terrified of looking like a fool, especially on the dance floor, so it’s always thrilling when he abandons his comfort zone and lets loose with me.” It’s not that he moves like Justin Timberlake on the dance floor – far from it, she says – but rather that he does it for her.

Next on her list? She wants him to wear a thick-ribbed black cotton polo neck, which is decidedly outside his sartorial comfort zone. And she wouldn’t mind if he’d don “those knee-high black leather boots that are always being worn in Jane Austen movies” too – though she acknowledges that she might have to wait for a fancy-dress party for that. Or just get him to wear them in the bedroom. (Even if the attempt at 19th-century roleplaying left them both collapsed in giggles, we can guarantee that his willingness to play along would at least elicit that all-important “isn’t he sweet” feeling.)

Whatever he does, the most important thing is that he doesn’t see it as a quid pro quo scenario – back to the sexual favour theory of cleaning the loos. And this goes for more traditional acts of seduction, too, such as candle-lit dinners, fresh flowers, and sensual (rather than sexual) touch.
“I wish my husband would touch me affectionately more often without expecting sex,” Shana says. “I can’t usually get in the mood ‘on demand’, and if all the snuggles, hugs and kisses carry an unspoken expectation of more, I’m likely to pull away rather than start something I’m not sure I feel like finishing . . . but without that physical affection, I’m unlikely to get in the mood. It’s a Catch22 that a man can put an end to by not pressing for sex every time there’s a hug and ten minutes available.”

Amanda, too, wishes that her husband understood the importance of “random touching that’s not exclusively sexual”. She says that she finds herself stroking his bare forearms a lot, in the hope that he’ll respond in kind. “I want to be petted! I must have been a cat in another life.”
The problem is that a lot of men assume that women experience sex exactly as they do: they experience sexual desire, then sexual excitement follows closely behind, and eventually – boom! – orgasm. But it doesn’t always work this way for women. Some women need to be aroused and feel excited before the desire to have sex kicks in. And sensual touch that’s free of expectations may be just what gets her aroused. (“If you get annoyed that she doesn’t initiate sex after, say, a long massage, she’ll stop responding at all to these approaches in the future,” Pertot says.) Other women start with a simple openness to have sex – inspired, perhaps, by that “isn’t he sweet” feeling – and eventually excitement, or desire, joins the party.

Alexis, a 33-year-old CEO and mother of a one-year-old child, whose No 1 sex wish is that her husband would hoover without her asking him, explains it this way: “Women are always ‘switched on’ when it comes to everything but sex. We wake up and we’re ready to go. Men wake up and must have some coffee before you can give them the day’s instructions. Women need foreplay like men need coffee.” “Men shouldn’t take it as personal rejection,” Amanda says. “Women are more complicated beings than men, aren’t they? If all we needed to activate our libidos was a naked picture, we’d be men.”

Seduction tips for grown-up boys . . .
1. Get in the bath together: it helps to separate work from play and wakes up her nerve endings, too.
2. Set the scene: dim the lights, play some music she likes, change the sheets – hide the dirty laundry and your BlackBerry.
3. Kiss her how you used to on your early dates: put your hands in her hair, hold her face, and take your time.
4. As you undress her, (and DO undress her) tell her how much you love her body. Be specific! “And this is my favourite part . . .”
5. Don’t go straight for the boobs! That’s for teen boys and men who take their wives for granted.
6. If she has trouble being selfless in bed, blindfold her with your tie so she has no choice.

Child After Dentist

Make sure that you know what drugs the dentist is putting into your child before taking them out of the office....results may vary....

The Doctor Says: DO NOT SEE PUSH!!!

Movie Doctor here with this weeks MOVIE ADVICE: If you want to impress your loved one over Valentine's Day Weekend, do NOT take her to the movie PUSH! Horrible Chinese acting, it does not make sense, no action, minutes of dead time, has multiple Chinese yellers, fish blowing up, and no story line.....Save your 25 dollar movie and popcorn and pass this one up. WEEKLY PRESCRIPTION: Go see the movie "Taken".

The Wife Translation Guide

For all of who are new to the game, newlyweds, or have just been caught fighting since the day that you said your I DO's....Here is a basic guide to understand the love of your life the next time she is speaking to you.....or speaking at you.

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I have something to complain about

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: (Too late, watch out)

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important

Please comment with more translations that you have experienced.

Learning to Speak PMS!

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some Chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some Chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some Chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some Chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more Chocolate.

Make sure to get one a little larger in size. As you gain weight in marriage, you do not want it getting too tight...It may cause a serious rash!

Why even go there?